Self-Awareness: Knowing Why You Do What You Do

Have you ever found yourself lashing out at someone who did nothing to annoy/anger you?

Ever felt emotion without knowing why you’re feeling it?

Ever felt unsure about what you’re feeling?

Self-Awareness is being aware of yourself, your emotions, values, behaviors and thoughts. It is understanding our behavioral patterns – having a difficult day at work and being in a foul mood, yelling at people you live with or the other way around. If you break up this cycle, you’ll see that the stress of work and yelling at people at work are related – instead of dealing with your stress from work you are taking it out on people at home.

Self-awareness is also knowing what you are good at, what you might need to work on or need help with. This has a great impact on our professional life, of course, but it impacts our relationships too. Imagine knowing that you have a need to please people and that it is something you should be careful about, imagine next a friend coming and buttering you up to ask for a favour but because you know this is your weakness you will actually consider whether you should help out or not, rather than doing it because they flattered you.

You can start your journey of self-love by enrolling in my Self-Love Mastery Course.

Being self-aware usually means being aware of what you need, it also means being aware of what your shortcomings are. When you become aware of what you need or need to change, odds are you’ll get down to working on them (at least eventually). Though, as humans, we have and can use a lot of distractions which help us fill our time and make it easy to avoid things that are difficult to do. I have personally sorted through a cupboard full of clothes (that I had put off for about two years) when I had to work on a difficult paper. Rather than experience emotions or address my behaviors, I have been known to binge-watch several series of television shows. When I became self-aware, I found it easier to resist distractions. It also helps to practice self-compassion and acknowledge that you’re experiencing difficulties and that it is okay to feel sad/scared/angry etc.

Self-awareness will also help you recognize and align your behaviors to your values. We all have our own values, often these are different even within families. My highest value is kindness, I will feel guilty about being unkind to someone which is why “taking my anger out on someone” usually leads to intense feelings of guilt making me feel much worse than I already did. This is what I know now after spending a lot of time with myself and my thoughts and emotions.

Self-awareness is also knowing your thoughts. We all have thoughts, and most of us assume these thoughts are absolutely true and completely real. In fact, our thoughts are separate from us and are shaped by our perceptions of the world. If you are not self-aware, you might have a thought that you are terrible at public speaking and that people will laugh and boo you off the stage, you are having a negative thought (negative automatic thought or NAT). Since the thought came from your own head, you’ll believe it to be true and your behaviors – avoiding public speaking, will be based on it.

What if, instead, you ask yourself what the evidence for this statement is. Have you ever been booed off a stage in the company of adults? Most likely, you haven’t. Perhaps you have performed badly a few times but not so much that you get booed off a stage. In this case, becoming aware that your thought is untrue will help you to do better. It might also help to know that you don’t have to wow everyone with your public speaking unless that is your core role. For most of us, conveying the information in a decent and understandable manner is acceptable. It is also something you can continue to practice and improve.

How can you become more self-aware?

Mindfulness: When was the last time you did one thing while thinking and engaging with that one thing only? This does not include television, gaming or reading. Think more about eating, cooking, walking, showering/bathing, playing with your family. Most of us will have our phones out even while we’re talking to another person in front of us. If you haven’t ever tried it, spend a few minutes today being mindful about any one thing and gradually increase the time and the activities. For example – if you choose to eat (and you should), notice how the food looks and smells before you taste it. If you’re using your hands, feel the texture with your fingers. Take a bite and notice how it tastes. Are there different flavors? What are the textures? How does it feel – warm, cold, hot? Does it taste good (I hope so?) Spend as much time as you can in this way. When you realize you’ve been distracted by a thought or a notification, let it go and come back to your meal. Try this for a few minutes today and increase the time every day. Mindfulness needs to be practiced (but then doesn’t everything)?

Spend time with yourself: This does not mean spending time on your phone while you’re in the company of others, it means spending time with yourself without distractions. I will also include thoughts as distractions. Most of us are so used to being busy and distracted we forget to check in with ourselves. At the end of the day sit with yourself for a few minutes.

Journal: Write down your thoughts, feelings and behaviors at the end of the day. You don’t have to write down everything, just whatever you remember. When you pay attention to it and write it down, you’ll see patterns emerging that you might otherwise miss. Journaling is a great way to connect with those deeper parts of yourself.

Meditate: This ancient practice has seen a great resurgence in the last few decades and there are many reasons why. Meditation is an excellent way to connect deeper with your body and your mind which in turn is a great way to become more self-aware. Meditation is enormously beneficial and should be practiced daily or at least as often as one can find the time and mind space.

Pay attention to your body: Usually, when you start feeling an emotion your body will give you a clue – when I’m angry I can feel my body heating up and my cheeks getting flushed. Insecurity will make me hunch my shoulders while stress will make me tense my shoulders. Becoming aware of these physical reactions helps me deal with an emotion that I might not otherwise have known about.

Creating these practices is also a good way to learn to trust yourself more which is also an important aspect of self-love.

Self-awareness, like other aspects of self-love, is all interconnected. When you become more aware of yourself, you begin to trust yourself – know that you’ll adhere to your values, with this you’ll start accepting yourself. Self-love is an incredible gift and one we must all always give ourselves.

If you haven’t already, check out my course on Self-Love Mastery and begin your journey of self-love.

You can also book one-on-one coaching sessions with me for a more intensive self-love journey.