Leaving an Abusive Relationship

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Most people assume that once you’ve left an abusive relationship, you’re free, you’re safe, you’ve made it and now you’re happy. This might be true for some people, but it isn’t for everyone. For a lot of people, and I include myself in the list, the process of healing was difficult, painful and scary. What I can say is, that it was a worthwhile journey and at the other end there is peace and contentment.

The first feeling I experienced after I left my physically abusive relationship was elation. I was thrilled I had finally left; I was so happy to be away, I could be safe, I could talk to people without being worried he would hurt me, I could wear what I wanted, say what I meant and be who I was. Of course, this was not long-lasting. Though I knew, in theory, I was safe, he had made me believe that people wanted to hurt me, even my friends and that I should always hide myself, my thoughts and feelings because people would take advantage of me. It was scary even though he couldn’t hurt me because he had made me believe that only he could protect me.

When you’ve been in an abusive relationship, your sense of reality has been altered. This is a deliberate act by your abuser because unless they make you see things from only their perspective, you’d probably have left already. Statistics show that on average people leave an abusive relationship seven times before they finally leave for good. This seems right, most of the time when you try to leave your abuser will most likely promise you the moon, apologize profusely for ever hurting you and probably promise that they will never ever hurt you again. Though abusers might behave better for a while, it is unlikely that they will continue this behavior for very long.

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This will often lead to trust issues. You believe your abuser because to you they are someone you love. You trust them but your trust is broken repeatedly and horribly. Of course, you stop trusting people. Along with that, you are most likely experiencing gaslighting. You are being told that what you think is not true, you’re either imaging it or exaggerating. You start wondering what is true anymore and you will stop even trusting yourself.

You might also feel guilty because your abuser will tell you that you’ve been told that they love you. They might also tell you that they won’t be able to live without you or that they’d hurt themselves if you left. These are all manipulation tactics. If there was genuine love the relationship would have been healthy, and you would have felt safe to be yourself, you would have felt safe. Abusers will also often make your world small, as though it is just the two of you against the world and they are the only person that cares about you truly. Leaving the relationship might feel like leaving someone behind while you’re soldiers in a war, but it isn’t true. While you might have been told this, there are wonderful people in the world, and you deserve to be around them.

The guilt might also be because your abuser made you believe that they did so much for you – more than anyone else ever will and definitely more than you deserve. Again, these are manipulation tactics. If an abuser does one thing, they will make it a point to tell you about it over and over and over again with the caveat that you did nothing to deserve it and that you have not even appreciated it. They will use it as an excuse to walk all over you and mistreat you. And they’ll use it to show you how you don’t care about them because you do things to anger them even when they are so good to you. Well, self-trust and trust in other people are pretty quick to go. But these things can come back, you have to work on it. Your abuser has often told you how unworthy you are and how wonderful they are for being with you. This is repeated so many times that you might start believing it too. It is not true though; we are all worthy and deserve love and kindness and we all deserve to feel safe and happy.

Most abusers behave very well when they’re with other people. They appear attentive and caring and well-behaved. To add to that, you have probably told people how wonderful they are to you are how happy you are together. When you decide to leave, people might not believe you. This is really important for everyone to know – believe people when they tell you they’ve been abused. It is scary to leave an abusive relationship and it is awful if people don’t even believe you or think you’re lying.

Of course, abusers will also often stalk you when you leave. You might find they show up at your door uninvited, call you all the time or keep texting you. They might start following you and harassing you. All these behaviors are intimidation tactics and they can also be disguised as romance – look how romantic, they’re sending you flowers, they’re sending you so many messages/calling, just refusing to accept that you are not a part of their life.” These behaviors are also romanticized in the media and we fall for it. Instead of realizing these are unhealthy and even abusive, we overlook them. When you’re being stalked so often by your abuser your sense of safety is often lost. A disturbing statistic here, most deaths in abusive relationships occur when the victim leaves the abuser. It is scary and we definitely need more support. If it is possible, please stay with someone who believes you. It also helps you to see clearly that this is not romantic.

Grief. This is a big one. Grief for the loss of a relationship, grief for the loss of what you thought was a loving partner and wonderful relationship, grief for who you were and, what you’ve lost. It is natural to feel grief and miss the good times, it is natural to miss the togetherness, the companionship and the good times. Most of us want to belong and though it might have been awful, for a while, you belonged to each other, and it is okay to grieve that loss too.

Leaving a relationship is tough. When you do things can seem strange, the world can seem scary and you might feel lonely and terrified. You can heal from this, you can find yourself, reclaim your power and live your life the way you want. Like me, you can also find a partner that is loving and supportive, and friends that are helping you grow, you can find your own light and love and become the person you want to be. Make that choice, take that step, and live your life on your terms.

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